by Dr. Noel Swanson.
This is a common problem faced by parents. It is the main cause of many a fight and argument that lead to frustration. Here are some tips to handle this:
Before you begin this
exercise, make sure you have provided enough space where all the stuff can go. If the cupboards or drawers are full and overflowing, you can’t expect them to put their stuff in them. You will have to reorganize the storage space or even install some additional shelves, boxes under the bed, or chests of drawers to accommodate all the things that are precious to your child.
Always, make more room than is required today, because the stuff will go on increasing and the problem will remain unsolved if there is not sufficient space. Moreover, there should be enough space to let the child take out what he wants without having to empty the whole drawer.
Once you have done your part of the job, and provided enough storage space, explain your method of tidying the room, and ask for suggestions from your child. Every child is different. Some children are very neat and tidy by nature, but the majority of them are not. And, children have their own idea of tidiness, which may not coincide with yours. You can’t expect them to keep their room spotless every single minute of every day. They have to play with their things, after all. Just set some rules about a reasonable standard of tidiness, and make sure you take their views on it. Also, decide how often that should be achieved.
Which leads on to the next consideration. What is your goal? Is your goal to teach your children how to responsibly look after their belongings - or is it that their untidiness upsets and irritates you? This is important because, in order to achieve the first goal, you will need to allow them to fail at times - i.e., not tidy up, and live with the consequences of that. Which may mean that you have to put up with their untidiness for a bit longer!
You need to establish reasonable expectations, such as putting things away before bedtime and a once-a-week thorough tidy-up. Then you can draw up some kind of contract.
Once you and your child agree on the general framework of the contract, the next thing is what to do if they do, or don’t, achieve that?
Again, it is better to focus on rewards such as privileges earned based on achieving the goal. This can be combined with a chart system connected to other chores.
In addition you can also use some punishments for failure, but the must be logical consequences. I.e, the punishment should fit the crime. One example of this is to use the “black bag†technique. Quite simply this states that anything still lying on the floor at 1pm on Saturday gets picked up (by parents) and put into a big black bag which is then thrown into the attic, basement or garage for a week. They can have it back if, next Saturday, the tidy goal is achieved. If not, then that week’s black bag collection is also thrown into the basement. This continues until either they run out of toys or they do some tidying up!
Key to the process, however, is a total absence of shouting or other punishments. All is done calmly. At the appointed time you simply go up to the room and gather up the offending articles.
Do this a couple of times and most children will get the message and tidy up before you get there with the black bag!
There may be times when you are expecting visitors and you need your child’s room. This is your need and out of the contract. So, remember that this is extra to your original contract, so it would be only fair to offer an additional incentive for them to tidy up. Be grateful that they are doing you a favor by lending their room to you.